No stitches, just platelets and will power
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
