True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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