Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
