ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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