got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
