I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
