is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
