Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
