Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
