Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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