Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
