nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
