I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
