If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
