I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
