Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
