These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
