i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
