I met the friendliest cop last night
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
