Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
