mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
