I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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