I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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