you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
