I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
