real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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