my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
