Just fell off a train. Bad.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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