I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
