Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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