if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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