Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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