She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
