Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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