I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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