Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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