hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
