I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
