Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
