Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
