Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
