He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
