so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This is classic penis vs brain.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize