im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
