And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
