if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
