I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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