ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
