If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
