Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
