why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
