Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
