so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
