Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
