that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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