Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
