new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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