There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize