happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize