Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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