He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
