and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize