Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
